Noelle

Almost 20 years ago I stood on the front step of 1746 Vizaleea St, in Dubuque, with my arms wrapped around my teen-aged daughter as we wept together before going into the house. It is a vivid memory made even more vivid in recent days and I don’t like it. We had just returned from taking the family cat, Squeakers, to have her euthanized. Squeakers had gotten old and was no longer able to control her bladder. Consequently she was urinating here and there in willy-nilly fashion. The remnants of gold shag and green/brown shag carpet in the basement had taken the brunt of Squeakers’ incontinence. We had tried foil sheets, odors, scents and a variety of other commercially available products … all to no avail.

Squeakers was really Charissa and Linda’s cat. She never really established a connection with me. I had to make the decision and carry out the deed. I needed help in handling the cat and, as I recall, Linda didn’t want to do it so Charissa was the default assistant (It’s possible that my memory on that point is faulty … but it was 20 years ago).

Charissa’s tears that day were, I am sure, sorrow. She loved that cat. My tears were not so much sorrow as they were sympathy and compassion for the two women in my family whom I love….. but maybe a smidgen for Squeakers as well.

Several months later, after several trips to the humane society, I secretly found a kitten that would fill the hole left by the loss of Squeakers. Several attempts in the “get to know you room” resulted in the need to pull the prospective pet from under the bench in order to see it. And then came “the one” who, instead of hiding under the bench, jumped immediately up into my lap, placed her front paws on my chest and said “Meow”. It was love at first sight! I was smitten.

I prepared a “treasure hunt” experience at Christmas for “my girls”, at the end of which they would find our new family member. We called her Noelle Starr (appropriate for the season). For 18 years she has been our sweet four footed, furry, child. Loving the outdoors at the end of a 50 foot leash whenever we ceded to her begging to be outside. She has been the lap cat that Linda always wanted, a companion in the shower with me, relishing the rain, chasing any and every intruder from the yard. She trained Linda to be an “on demand treat dispenser” and of late has been a regular visitor to our bed at night … imposing herself between our heads … or tucking herself under my chin … where she would serenade us with nocturnes of purring as we slept.

For 18 years she has brought us more joy than we ever expected and to the degree that a cat can communicate love, emotions, petulance, and a host of other “attitudes” with a human … Noelle nailed it!

At 18 years of age (88 in human years), her thyroid is a problem and has required regular medication applied to her ears for a couple of years now. She has lost considerable weight, and has been urinating in places that are unacceptable … and we haven’t been able to find a solution.

In short … her days are numbered … and I hate it. I’ve been praying that God would allow her to pass quietly here at home but it hasn’t happened.

I cannot do “the deed” again and so it will fall to Linda this time. I feel badly about that, but I just can’t. While it has not happened yet, I already have a heart full of sorrow and the tears that I shed these days when i think about it are not tears of compassion or empathy for Linda … though I am sure she sorrows as well … they are tears of grief and sorrow … my grief and my sorrow.