Once Upon A Mattress

Linda and I spent a couple of hours, this evening, testing mattresses together in several area stores.  We are looking for something to replace our Sleep Number bed.  It was a good idea at first and we liked it when it first arrived.  It was fun experimenting with the variety of firmness levels by inflating or deflating the air bladders (that sounds downright nasty doesn’t it!).  I’m not sure when we first realized that the Sleep Number bed’s days were numbered.  I suppose the first indication was when Linda started sleeping on the edge in order to keep from getting lost in the crevasse that developed in the middle of the bed.  It was gradual at first but soon it seemed as though the bed was creating a gap worthy of converting one to the gap theory as he slept.  It has gotten to the point at which I’ve learned that when Linda snuggles up and puts her arms around me it is because she is hanging on for dear life … afraid of being injured in a fall!  Noelle LOVES the gap … but then, she is a cat! 

Anyway we got an education on mattress construction this evening; woven springs, individual coil springs, foam mattresses, memory foam, latex foam, wool, pillow-top, plush, firm, box spring … no box spring … more than I really want to know.  We also discovered that the industry is moving away from allowing one to return the mattress if it doesn’t suit.  Apparently there is a problem with bedbugs which makes the mattresses unsuitable for reselling (what’s that itch?).  One man told us that there’s a 50% chance that any “new mattress” you buy has been used for a while, returned and repackaged.  Isn’t that a happy thought?  One place told us that they have a 60 day trial period during which you can return the mattress.  I asked him what they did about bedbugs on returned items.  He looked arround surreptitiously and then said “We don’t have any bedbugs.”  Right! … OK!

It’s hard testing a mattress (no pun intended).  You have to lie there together on the bed with all your clothes on while people are watching you.  It’s un-natural.  I wanted to test the beds by bouncing on them but Linda discouraged me with a look that said, “Don’t you dare!”  I explained to each sales person that 5 minutes of lying on a bed does nothing.  It needs to be slept on.  I asked each one if we could sleep overnight and only one of them was willing to consider it…but I think he was humoring me.