The Toilet Paper Chronicles

Grocery shopping in the Jeske household is something that is not delegated to one person.  Sometimes I do it, sometimes Linda does it, and sometimes we do it together.  Tonight was one of those occasions when we did it together as part of our “date night” which consisted of eating at the Hy-Vee grocery store and then, after “wiping” our lips on a napkin, meandering the aisles looking for necessities and perhaps a treat or two while scarfing up as many “fuel saver points” as possible.  It was a pleasant evening capped off by an experience that still makes me smile, long minutes after its conclusion.

I pronounced us “done” when I thought we had completed our shopping, only to hear my sweetheart say “behind” me, “Don’t tell me when I’m done.”  Yes, she really said that!  I followed her at that point to the aisle with the cat food and cat treats where, much to her irritation, we found a pallet parked in front of the very products she wanted.  The 4′ x 4′ pallet was stacked higher than my head with cases of toilet paper!  Feeling chivalrous, strong and gallant, I put my back against the corner of the stack and pushed and with little effort moved it sufficiently to enable my sweetheart to reach the desired items.

But we were not done, not with shopping … and not with toilet paper.

On a mission, she moved further away from the checkout lines in the direction of the paper goods.  Without any particular reason, except that I wondered what time it was, I looked at my phone as I began strolling over in that direction.  I came around the corner and discovered her scanning rows and rows, and stacks and stacks, and rolls and rolls of toilet paper.  Now I don’t understand the reason for so many varieties of toilet paper.  It seems rather superfluous to have a whole wall of the grocery store dedicated to a product which has no color, is not edible, does not have a fragrance (at least not initially), does not require batteries and is neither played with, nor given as a gift.

Well, sweetie had seen a particular brand advertised for around 3.00 less than the regular price and, though she could not remember the brand, she was bound and determined to find it and take advantage of it.  The problem was, it could not be found.  High and low, she looked, from one end of the wall (literally) to the other.  She was getting frustrated.  Trying to be helpful, as I tend to do, I picked up a package that was twice the number of the advertised product for even less money.  She wrinkled her cute nose and said, “That’s too thin.”  I didn’t ask her to explain.

I mentioned at about the 8 minute mark that we were spending too much time looking for toilet paper.  She was beginning to waver in her determination and began looking at other options.  At that point, a curly haired young man came around the corner with a name tag that said “Customer Courtesy”.  Linda explained her problem to him and he, looking bewildered, asked if he could go get a floor manager.  When she nodded, he took off to find someone who manages the floor?

Well, riding to the rescue a moment later came Milan with a helpful smile.  I saw him coming from a distance and smiled back and pointed at my sweetheart.  She explained the terrible dilemma and firmly asserted that she saw the advertisement in the store flyer.  Milan went to get the flyer and came back and sure enough … there it was … listed under the heading “Two Day Sale – Thursday and Friday”  Today being Wednesday, of course, we were a day early.

I looked at Milan over my sweetie’s head and raised my eyebrow with a smile.  I think he had already sensed her distress and he quickly said, “I’ll take care of it.  You can have it for the sale price, how many do you want.”

Linda picked up her package and Milan assured us that he’d meet us at the register and “get us squared away.”   I thought that was rather obviously assumed, given the fact that regardless of the variety, brand or price, all toilet paper is basically square in shape, but I didn’t say anything.

All, in all, the experience took a little in excess of 12 minutes … far too long, in my opinion, to get a package of toilet paper.  And, all in all, it was a pleasant evening but I was totally “wiped” out when we were through.  🙂  The fact that I have this fond memory also means that it was a total flush of my time!  🙂